Mental Health

So... I didn't go to work last night. First day I've missed since being with the company. Did I call in sick? Well, sort of.

I don't really know what a nervous break down is. But sometimes I think I must be having something like that. Last night was a good example. I could tell the day before that I wasn't doing very well, emotionally at least. I was so angry, but not at anything specific. I knew I was really low on sleep, and being in this state can often cloud any kind of good judgment for me. But even after I went home and slept for while, things got worse. I woke up in frustration and pain (my body seems to soak in the stress and exhibit itself in aches and pains of the worst kind), and decided to take Kansas out to play so at least one of us would be having fun. I knew I would be having to leave for work in a few hours, and then, all of a sudden I just started to bawl.

All I could think about was how many things I hadn't done: quality time with the Lord, exercise, homework, the dishes, calling people back from church... and then to think about going to work where my job demands a high level of service and energy... I became paralyzed! I cried and cried and couldn't DO anything! Finally I crawled back into bed where Mark was still asleep, cuddled up to him, and ignoring my aching lower back, let myself drown into the false escape from my problems-- sleep.

I don't know how long I slept. I just couldn't seem to make myself face being awake again. When I finally did get up, I just kind of sat on the couch and stared off into space wondering why I couldn't pull myself together enough to do life. Finally I zoned into the voice of the Holy Spirit-- "Come away with me."

I share this little snippet of life, that otherwise no one in the world outside of my husband would ever know about, because of the blindingly bright point it makes. Without God, I can do nothing. Without Jesus, I have no hope. Without the His Word, I have no guidance. Without the Holy Spirit's companionship, I have no peace. Nothing-- no amount of work I do, wisdom I gain, service I perform-- matters or lasts without my relationship with God. Its what keeps me alive, AND makes my life worth living.

My greatest fear in life is to look back at this, my youth, and regret not having lived it in sweet communion with God. I'm so scared that I will look back and remember the stress, the grasping for more, or just the worries. Tonight was yet another wake up call to remind me to be sure I am pursuing what matters and lasts. I was directed to Psalms, and here I will leave you with some of what I read. Don't miss out on what matters-- the relationship between you and your Creator.

Psalm 1

BOOK I : Psalms 1-41

1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

Psalm 119:129-139

129 Your statutes are wonderful;
therefore I obey them.

130 The unfolding of your words gives light;
it gives understanding to the simple.

131 I open my mouth and pant,
longing for your commands.

132 Turn to me and have mercy on me,
as you always do to those who love your name.

133 Direct my footsteps according to your word;
let no sin rule over me.

134 Redeem me from the oppression of men,
that I may obey your precepts.

135 Make your face shine upon your servant
and teach me your decrees.

136 Streams of tears flow from my eyes,
for your law is not obeyed.

Psalm 126

A song of ascents.

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

5 Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

6 He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

Psalm 127

1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Psalm 130

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 [You,] put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem you
from all [your] sins.