Thoughts I'm Thinking When I Should Be Sleeping

Mental Health

2008-10-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

So... I didn't go to work last night. First day I've missed since being with the company. Did I call in sick? Well, sort of.

I don't really know what a nervous break down is. But sometimes I think I must be having something like that. Last night was a good example. I could tell the day before that I wasn't doing very well, emotionally at least. I was so angry, but not at anything specific. I knew I was really low on sleep, and being in this state can often cloud any kind of good judgment for me. But even after I went home and slept for while, things got worse. I woke up in frustration and pain (my body seems to soak in the stress and exhibit itself in aches and pains of the worst kind), and decided to take Kansas out to play so at least one of us would be having fun. I knew I would be having to leave for work in a few hours, and then, all of a sudden I just started to bawl.

All I could think about was how many things I hadn't done: quality time with the Lord, exercise, homework, the dishes, calling people back from church... and then to think about going to work where my job demands a high level of service and energy... I became paralyzed! I cried and cried and couldn't DO anything! Finally I crawled back into bed where Mark was still asleep, cuddled up to him, and ignoring my aching lower back, let myself drown into the false escape from my problems-- sleep.

I don't know how long I slept. I just couldn't seem to make myself face being awake again. When I finally did get up, I just kind of sat on the couch and stared off into space wondering why I couldn't pull myself together enough to do life. Finally I zoned into the voice of the Holy Spirit-- "Come away with me."

I share this little snippet of life, that otherwise no one in the world outside of my husband would ever know about, because of the blindingly bright point it makes. Without God, I can do nothing. Without Jesus, I have no hope. Without the His Word, I have no guidance. Without the Holy Spirit's companionship, I have no peace. Nothing-- no amount of work I do, wisdom I gain, service I perform-- matters or lasts without my relationship with God. Its what keeps me alive, AND makes my life worth living.

My greatest fear in life is to look back at this, my youth, and regret not having lived it in sweet communion with God. I'm so scared that I will look back and remember the stress, the grasping for more, or just the worries. Tonight was yet another wake up call to remind me to be sure I am pursuing what matters and lasts. I was directed to Psalms, and here I will leave you with some of what I read. Don't miss out on what matters-- the relationship between you and your Creator.

Psalm 1

BOOK I : Psalms 1-41

1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

Psalm 119:129-139

129 Your statutes are wonderful;
therefore I obey them.

130 The unfolding of your words gives light;
it gives understanding to the simple.

131 I open my mouth and pant,
longing for your commands.

132 Turn to me and have mercy on me,
as you always do to those who love your name.

133 Direct my footsteps according to your word;
let no sin rule over me.

134 Redeem me from the oppression of men,
that I may obey your precepts.

135 Make your face shine upon your servant
and teach me your decrees.

136 Streams of tears flow from my eyes,
for your law is not obeyed.

Psalm 126

A song of ascents.

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

5 Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

6 He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

Psalm 127

1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Psalm 130

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 [You,] put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

8 He himself will redeem you
from all [your] sins.

Magical Time In Cali!

2008-07-27T02:14:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, how do I even start to blog about this last month?? Since my last post we have moved AND taken a fabulous vacation. I think, though the move was a significant event, I'm just going to write about our vacation now however...I'll save the story of the new living dwellings for a later time, when I've been able to decorate the way I want and show dramatic before and after pictures! :)

Sooo, let the fabulousness begin!

Mark and I were blessed to be able to save some money over the last year to take a trip to Southern California. We went to Disneyland (and California Adventure Park, of course), Universal Studios, Sea World, and the San Diego Wild Animal Park. We were gone from a Friday morning through the next Friday night, and can I just tell you, we had a blast!
The whole week was jam packed, so we didn't get a lot of down time, but what are you going to do with so many things to experience? You just have to go and go until you drop, which is precisely what we did. Mark would make fun of me because I would fall asleep every night before getting back to the hotel. Whether in the rental car, on the bus, or simply sitting on the bench at the bus stop, I was out every time! So here's a run down of what we got to do.

DISNEYLAND!!!
That Friday afternoon we got to California we picked up our rental car (a brand new Ford Focus, bright red with black leather interior...so nice!), checked in to our hotel (The Hotel Menage, which was fantastic! Go check it out at http://www.hotelmenage.com), found a Bubba Gump's for lunch (oh my gosh, real seafood again!) and went back to crash for the night because we were exhausted from working the night before. But, after getting a great night sleep, taking advantage of the empty pool and hot tub at 5:30am, and eating a delicious breakfast at the hotel's restaurant K'ya, we went on to spend our first day in the Disneyland park. We got there bright and early to wait in line for them to open the gates at 8:00am. We were excited like little kids. That first day we rode everything- Space Mountain, Indiana Jones, Splash Mountain, the Matterhorn, Pirates of the Caribbean, the Haunted Mansion, and tons more. The Fastpass service is AWESOME! I don't know what we would have done without it. For lunch we left the park and headed to Downtown Disney to eat. Yes, I don't believe in eating in the amusement park. If I'm going to pay that much for food I'm going to a sit down restaurant with air condition! That first day Mark took me to the Rainforest Cafe because I'd never been before. Loved it. After eating we went back to our room for a nap (the afternoons there are so hot and so crowded that we didn't really feel we were missing too much). Then we went back out to experience the magical world of Disney at night. Very cool. Parade of lights, fireworks, and cool shows on the river.

WILD ANIMAL PARK!!!
Sunday morning we woke up and made the 1 1/2 hour drive from Anaheim to San Diego. We had the choice between visiting the San Diego Zoo or the Wild Animal Park, and we chose the Wild Animal Park because it sounded a little bit more unique. Before we left for the trip to California we hadn't really planned on spending a night in San Diego, but after realizing it was a ways away I went ahead and booked us a night in a hotel right downtown. It was called the Sofia Hotel (http://www.thesofiahotel.com) and this one was even more amazing! It was really, really old and located in the gas lamp district of down town. There were a lot of homeless people hanging around in the streets (along with many other characters, which made it one of the most interesting places we've ever been) but the hotel itself was probably the nicest one we'd ever seen. The rooms were really, really tiny (I think because it was so old) but everything in them were super quality and beautiful. But anyway, the Wild Park. It was pretty interesting and peaceful...reminded me of being on a safari in Africa once. It wasn't quite as fun as we had hoped, mostly because it was sooo hot, and the animals were pretty far out and hard to see sometimes. We actually just spent half a day there and drove back into town to find a beach. We did find one, and spent the rest of the afternoon playing in the waves and laying out on the warm sand. It was wonderful! I was missing the ocean so much. We're kind of landlocked here the big NM. As the sun was getting lower in the sky we went back to our room to shower and get ready to walk on the piers by the bay. We strolled up and down as the sun set, smelling the smells and watching the people. It was truly beautiful. We slept really well that night, what with the hill hiking at the zoo and the wave surfing at the beach.

SEA WORLD!!!
Okay, I was a little bit surprised, but I have to admit that Sea World was almost my very favorite thing that we got to do. I'd never been before, and being the animal lover that I am, well, I was in heaven. We went to every show they had, and I was so impressed with both the animals and trainers! The sea lions were hilarious. And well, of course Shamu was amazing. I also loved the show they had featuring just regular pets like cats and dogs (though there was a pig as well, now that I think about it). Mark had a blast there too. He was so excited to pet the sting rays and actually touch the sea urchins. I got to see some sea turtles up close (my very favorite of the sea creatures!) and even came away with a sea turtle stuffed animal for my souvenir. I'm sure the day was hot because of the sunny weather, but with that cool breeze coming off of the ocean, and the fact that you're sopping wet most of the time from sitting in the SPLASH ZONE, it felt perfect. That might be why we both forgot to reapply our sunscreen that day and got a little scorched. That's okay, it was all worth it!

CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE!!!
In case you're not familiar with it, California Adventure is another amusement park that Disney built right across from Disneyland. It (obviously) has the theme of California, including the Golden Gate Bridge, Hollywood and the like. We spent all day Tuesday there, and really liked it because they had some scarier rides and it wasn't quite as crowded. Our favorite ride was the Tower of Terror...my heart is beating a little quickly right now just thinking about it. It was based out of the Hollywood Hotel and had a Twilight Zone theme. Basically you are in an elevator that drops 180 feet multiple times. Very exciting. Another ride I loved was Soaring over California. It was a high, simulated ride in front of a huge screen that made you really feel like you were visiting all of the beautiful spots in California. I think we rode both the Tower of Terror and Soaring Over California three times! California Adventure is also where we saw a lot of our favorite characters. I'm a huge Pixar fan so I was very excited to meet Woody and Sully and the gang. All of Mark's dream's came true when he found Aladdin and Jasmin and was able to pose with them. Sigh. Its a little embarrassing standing in line with a bunch of kids, and then getting to the front and explaining to the character that its really just going to be you in the picture with them. Ha ha, as you can see though, we had no shame. I also loved the part of the park called Paradise Pier which is set up to look like a retro 40's amusement park right on the water. Beautiful at sunset!

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS!!!
Now we get to Mark's favorite part. And my least favorite. Ha ha, I don't know what my deal is, but apparently I don't care about how movies are made. I mean, yeah, there were some cool parts, but I have to admit I was pretty board a lot of the time. We took the famous tour, seeing a bunch of the different movie and tv show sets. The Desperate Housewives one was really cool. I've never seen the show, but the set looked like a real neighborhood, so I was pretty impressed. There were also some pretty cool rides there like Jurassic Park and The Mummy and The Simpsons... and some big shows like Water World. Ha ha, lots of enthusiasm, I know. But still, out of love for my hubby, I had to post a little bit on the subject. I did really enjoy City Walk right outside of Universal! There were tons of cool shops and restaurants. We ate at the Hard Rock Cafe there. After the park closed we met up with one of our best friends, Brandon, who lives in L.A. He took us to tour Hollywood and to sample Bob's Big Boy burgers. We saw all of the Hollywood handprints in the concrete in front of the Chinese Theater, so that was pretty cool.

Whew! I'm worn out again just from writing about the trip! I think I'll just add some more of my favorite pictures to wrap this up. All in all it was just so wonderful to get away with my sweetheart for while to play. We had such a good time together. Sigh. Now I wanna go back. :)

Camping, cows, and a cold.

2008-06-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

What is it about being outside for a full 48+ hours straight that seems to make you a little saner about life? At least it does for me. I just come back feeling so much more normal or something. Sigh, sometimes I don't know if I'm made for this 21st century lifestyle. Everything is so rushed and intentional all of the time, sometimes it seems there's no room left to squeeze in originality, spontaneity, or simply contentment. Ah, but I digress. This blog is about my camping trip this last weekend.

Mark and I had been planning our camping extravaganza (as we like to refer to it) for weeks. Longer than that, I guess, if you count all of the months we'd worked and finagled to get on the same schedule at the T-Mobile call center where we work so that we would actually have some time off together in which we could plan a camping extravaganza. So you can imagine how excited we were to finally get away.

Christie, a friend of mine at work told me about a place up past Cuba, NM, down Hwy 126 a ways where there was some beautiful Santa Fe National Forest where we could camp without paying the silly fees that those drive in camp grounds charge, and where we wouldn't be surrounded with other campers and their blaring radios playing Mexican Mariachi music. (Seriously, I can't get into it.) Christie, with whom I share the privilege of having Colorado being our home state, told me that this place always reminded her a lot of the camping in the Rocky Mountains. Eager to leave behind the desert and get some cool mountain air, we decided to check it out.

It really was everything that Christie said it was. And who would have thought it was so close to home? Only about 1 1/2 to 2 hours away. There were tall, beautiful pine trees, lush meadows of grass and wild flowers hidden in patches of the forest where the sun was able to leak through, and a sparkling blue lake only a 3/4 mile hike from where we set up our camp. Also, something that had failed to be mentioned, there were cows. Cows everywhere. Free ranging, mountain cows, apparently. Yeah... I was startled to say the least. They were just relaxing in the forest, or grazing on the edge of the highway. I'm not sure who they belong to...the state, maybe? All I can tell you is that there were cows, and whats more, where there are cows, my friend, there are cow patties. We had to leave the first spot that we had settled on because there were just too many of these patties to deal with. The next spot we found, however, was much more, um, sanitary.

We arrived in the afternoon on Friday and were able to stay until Sunday morning. The days were hot in the sunshine, but very cool in the shade. The nights were freezing. We had the pleasure of a full moon, and more than enough firewood to enjoy a fantastic, crackling fire whenever we wanted. We played Scrabble in the tent, played War with a deck of cards on the cooler in the shade, and hiked and played up to and around the San Gregorio Lake. We cooked some very impressive meals with the little charcoal bar-b-q we brought with us: Tilapia with brown sugar-baked beans and white macaroni shells and cheese; chicken fajitas with peppers and onions, cheese, sour cream, and cilantro. We brought some Mike's Hard Lemonade, but I believe I only drank half of one, and the other five are now sitting in my refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown out once I get tired of them taking up space. We're not real big drinkers....

On Sunday morning I woke up early, while it was still dark out, with a really strange sore throat. Mark was getting over a cold, but I figured this development was just allergies from being outside so much. I got up and made a fire, trying to warm up my freezing toes, and almost catching my shoes on fire in the process. I actually did melt part of Mark's hiking boot...who would have thought those ashes were so hot? (Mark says I'm not very fire savvy, but what does he know anyway?) When the sun finally came up and dried off the dew from our tent, we put out the fire, packed everything up, and started on the journey home. We decided to take a different route back, going through Jemez instead. We stopped for breakfast at Deb's Cafe, sitting in an outdoor patio where we could drink coffee and eat our breakfast burrito and blueberry blue corn pancakes in the shadow of a prickly, desert mountain. It was the worst restaurant service I have ever had up to this point in my life, but the coffee was hot, the food was good, and I, feeling so much less rushed and intentional and so much more content, didn't feel a need to complain.

Dad's Day

2008-06-15T18:35:00.000-07:00

This is by far the strangest feeling Father's Day I've ever had. That's probably because my biological dad isn't speaking to me. I sent him an e-card early this morning. So far I haven't yet gotten the email confirmation that he's read it.

I haven't actually spoken with my dad since last Christmas night. That probably sounds really sad, but its kind of normal as far as our relationship goes. We have very similar viewpoints on things in life, and yet the differences, though minuscule, prove to be too much for either of us to handle. I hope I don't come off sounding reserved to the fact of accepting this, it actually really bums me out. I just don't know how to fix it at this point. I really am at a loss as of what to do. So I send an e-card.

At the same time I'm very thankful for having my step-dad in my life. Its almost like I'm given a second go-around. A do-over. If he's happy with me maybe I'm not such a bad daughter after all. I didn't get to see him today either though. We did speak on the phone. He was making turkey burgers for himself and my mom.

Mark and I called my father-in-law a few hours ago to wish him a happy Father's Day. We weren't quite on top of things enough this week to get a card out on time. I don't think he minded. He really loves us and just really loves to hear from us, no matter through which means. He's had such a hard year. The French bought out the company he works for and laid off a lot of employees. This change more than tripled my father-in-law's work load. He rarely gets a day off...maybe one every few weeks. He was off today though. Apparently the French believe in Father's Day. I really love my father-in-law. He and my mother-in-law are some of the most amazing parents I have ever known. I've been very blessed to marry into that family.

Today was also the first time my mind began to wander about what it will be like to celebrate Father's Day with Mark. Man, he's gonna be such a good dad. I wonder if he thought about it at all today?

Well, all in all, I'll be kind of glad when Father's Day is over this year. Its just kind of a confusing, mixed-up-feeling kind of day. At least I know I can say that I'm blessed to have all of these men in my life. What do girls do with only the one dad? Doing it my way definitely isn't boring.